I Have Worth

I wrote this as part of a class assignment.

I have a feeling that as this term progresses the assignments are going to elicit stronger and stronger emotions. I am basing this particular prediction on the emotions that got dredged up while reading the material for this week’s assignment. I’m trying to stay in “analytical mode” as I read, but several of the topics hit very close to home with me. In the first chapter, “Self-Esteem and How It Develops” the exercise of listing advantages and disadvantages took me back instantly to the years between my undergraduate degree and starting my graduate student journey. I hit rock bottom during the two years I worked for my last job and could have written a lengthy list on the pros and cons of self-dislike. Dislike is actually a mild word for what I felt. In truth, I hated myself and nearly every aspect of my life. It was no fun, it was painful, and it did lead to psychosomatic symptoms and eventually to therapeutic use of anti-depressants (which I’ve stayed on to help combat my considerable seasonal affective disorder). I have been slowly but surely digging myself out of that hole, and today I am much healthier both mentally and physically. I ended this chapter feeling kind of crappy and not worth much, so it was rather karmic that the next chapter dealt with unconditional human worth.

I believe in unconditional human worth. I just don’t believe that I’m worthy of unconditional human worth. In my capacity as an educator, I have often spoken of unconditional human worth, especially using the second axiom of “Howard’s Laws.” And yet, when it comes to personal reflection, I constantly feel like I don’t measure up, I’m not as good as others, and I’m not worth the time or attention of others. On an intellectual level I know that this is wrong, and that I’m worth just as much as anyone else. However, I have difficulty making that connection on an emotional level. As a result, I ride the emotional rollercoaster described on page 33 of the chapter.

As I read the list of external values given on page 31, I highlighted the ones that I use to define my worth. There is quite a bit of purple highlighter on that particular page. Some of the key external values that I currently use to judge my worth include intelligence, education, scholastic achievement, creative ability, performances, and how others treat me (this is the short list). I have always felt that I needed to achieve great things in the world of education to earn the love and respect of my extended family on my father’s side. Right now my grandparents are loaning money to me to help with tuition and living expenses, and I feel like I have to earn high marks in order to be worthy of this. It doesn’t matter that it is a loan and not a gift, and that I will be paying it all back with interest. If I make so much as one B, I won’t feel like I’m a good enough student for them to be investing in.

In our SchoolGirls reading for this week, one of the topics covered included the mental image and internalization by young girls of a “perfect girl/woman” against whom they compare their every thought and action and always come up lacking. I have my own personal “perfect woman,” but after reading the assignment I began to realize that all of the “perfect” characteristics that I used to measure myself against this “perfect woman” were external. She is well dressed, well educated, well organized, and is always being productive. All of these things are addressed in the assignment, and I understand better now why I need to abandon the idea of a “perfect woman” and accept myself and my own worth. If business at my website is lagging (which it always is) it’s not a reflection of me, my abilities, or my worth. If I need to take a day off and just relax, it doesn’t affect my worth. And should I earn a B in any of my classes as I progress through graduate school, I am still a wonderful, worthy person. I need to remember that my family and true friends will not think less of me because of some external factor, because they truly see my worth, and they value it as unconditional.

Phase One

During most of my spring break, I've been feeling overwhelmed, over stressed, and over extended. Not my usual recipe for a week of relaxation.

Yesterday afternoon I decided that enough is enough. It's time to focus on living my life in the balance that is right for me. So today I started Phase One.

Phase One involves giving my apartment a fresh, organized feel. I don't have a whole lot of space to accomplish this, but I can still get things changed up. So far today I've managed to:

Move all of the books off of my small bookshelf in my apartment and onto my large bookshelf in the house. Anyone looking at that bookshelf this morning would have thought it was too full to put more stuff on, but they'd have been wrong.

Empty and move one of the many yarn containing baskets from the floor of my apartment. I still have the basket, it's much too nice to get rid of. I just didn't need it sitting around on my floor taking up space. So I put all of the yarn and to-be-deconstructed sweaters from the basket into the zippered bag that's on top of the large bookcase in the house that already had some yarn and sweaters in it. I then put Craig's empty hangers in the basket, and put the basket where the hangers had been.

Hang my invisible book holder in my apartment. I picked this neat thing up at the Container Store, and I have 7 of my most favorite books on it. It attaches to the wall, and the books lay horizontal on it, and you can't see any part of the bracket. Basically, it makes your favorite books into wall art.

Consolidated my jewelry into two small jewelry boxes. I've had three jewelry boxes for at least 10 years now, but I really didn't have enough jewelry to fill three jewelry boxes. I condensed, threw out the junk (it's everywhere!!!) and now I have much nicer, neater storage.

Measured, leveled, and marked for my new little floating "Trophy Shelf" that I picked up at Home Depot. It's going above my dresser, and will hold my jewelry. Imagine, not having to cross the room to pick out a pair of earrings when I'm getting my clothes together. It's amazing. Unfortunately, this is where I've hit a minor road block in Phase One. I need a drill to set in the drywall bolts, and I don't have a drill. Chris does, so I'll just have to wait till he gets home from work this afternoon to borrow it. I also have two floating corner shelves that I will need the drill for, so I'll get those all measured, leveled and marked so that installation is quick.

I've now finished lunch, and I'm going to run (well, probably walk) over to BB&B to pick up a decorative plate hanger. I've been meaning to get one for about 2 years now, and I really want to hang my nice plate that Mom got me several years ago. I may also stop at one of the local thrift stores to look around.

Taking control feels really good.

Made It through

I've made it through my second term as a graduate student. Unfortunately, I didn't manage it quite as gracefully as I'd hoped I would. I have a feeling that I was a little bit of a whine burden on several of my friends. For the most part, they were supportive and let me vent, but it couldn't have been much fun for them to hear me complain about something I chose to do.

Based on this experience, I have a couple of spring term resolutions.

I will begin on my projects at an early point in the term so that they can get done at a more leisurely, non-stressing pace.

I will not over stretch myself with extra-curricular activities. Mostly, this applies to not letting myself be bullied by one of my roommates, because I am a person and not his own personal source of entertainment. He chose to work four 10 hour days and have Friday off every week, and he's chosen not to have any hobbies that he can do where he lives. It is not my obligation to entertain him, especially when I want to be doing something else. He's a grown man, and can stop acting like a 10 year old spoiled kid.

I will go to more Aikido. On the surface, this may seem to contradict the above resolution, but it really doesn't Aikido is more than just something to do, or physical exercise. It's also a mental conditioner, and it helps me focus and relax so that I am more effective at other things in my life. Luckily, I don't have any more class schedule conflicts with evening Aikido practice, and with the sun setting later I'm more inclined to go to the later class on on Mondays.

Finally, I will remember the power of knitting. I am currently about half way through Socks Part Deux, and having a project helped me get through my final projects. When I get frustrated, I can escape to the rhythm of the stitches, it helps me relax and decompress at the end of the day before I try to sleep, and I feel a sense of accomplishment as the fabric flows off the needles as I go. During spring break I will be over-dyeing several balls of yarn in anticipation of knitting Amused, a sweater from the winter 2008 Knitty.com.

That's all I have for now. The end of term, papers are due NOW NOW NOW depression has lifted, and I think it's time to go cook dinner and have a nice cup of tea.