I Have Worth

I wrote this as part of a class assignment.

I have a feeling that as this term progresses the assignments are going to elicit stronger and stronger emotions. I am basing this particular prediction on the emotions that got dredged up while reading the material for this week’s assignment. I’m trying to stay in “analytical mode” as I read, but several of the topics hit very close to home with me. In the first chapter, “Self-Esteem and How It Develops” the exercise of listing advantages and disadvantages took me back instantly to the years between my undergraduate degree and starting my graduate student journey. I hit rock bottom during the two years I worked for my last job and could have written a lengthy list on the pros and cons of self-dislike. Dislike is actually a mild word for what I felt. In truth, I hated myself and nearly every aspect of my life. It was no fun, it was painful, and it did lead to psychosomatic symptoms and eventually to therapeutic use of anti-depressants (which I’ve stayed on to help combat my considerable seasonal affective disorder). I have been slowly but surely digging myself out of that hole, and today I am much healthier both mentally and physically. I ended this chapter feeling kind of crappy and not worth much, so it was rather karmic that the next chapter dealt with unconditional human worth.

I believe in unconditional human worth. I just don’t believe that I’m worthy of unconditional human worth. In my capacity as an educator, I have often spoken of unconditional human worth, especially using the second axiom of “Howard’s Laws.” And yet, when it comes to personal reflection, I constantly feel like I don’t measure up, I’m not as good as others, and I’m not worth the time or attention of others. On an intellectual level I know that this is wrong, and that I’m worth just as much as anyone else. However, I have difficulty making that connection on an emotional level. As a result, I ride the emotional rollercoaster described on page 33 of the chapter.

As I read the list of external values given on page 31, I highlighted the ones that I use to define my worth. There is quite a bit of purple highlighter on that particular page. Some of the key external values that I currently use to judge my worth include intelligence, education, scholastic achievement, creative ability, performances, and how others treat me (this is the short list). I have always felt that I needed to achieve great things in the world of education to earn the love and respect of my extended family on my father’s side. Right now my grandparents are loaning money to me to help with tuition and living expenses, and I feel like I have to earn high marks in order to be worthy of this. It doesn’t matter that it is a loan and not a gift, and that I will be paying it all back with interest. If I make so much as one B, I won’t feel like I’m a good enough student for them to be investing in.

In our SchoolGirls reading for this week, one of the topics covered included the mental image and internalization by young girls of a “perfect girl/woman” against whom they compare their every thought and action and always come up lacking. I have my own personal “perfect woman,” but after reading the assignment I began to realize that all of the “perfect” characteristics that I used to measure myself against this “perfect woman” were external. She is well dressed, well educated, well organized, and is always being productive. All of these things are addressed in the assignment, and I understand better now why I need to abandon the idea of a “perfect woman” and accept myself and my own worth. If business at my website is lagging (which it always is) it’s not a reflection of me, my abilities, or my worth. If I need to take a day off and just relax, it doesn’t affect my worth. And should I earn a B in any of my classes as I progress through graduate school, I am still a wonderful, worthy person. I need to remember that my family and true friends will not think less of me because of some external factor, because they truly see my worth, and they value it as unconditional.