I Have Worth

I wrote this as part of a class assignment.

I have a feeling that as this term progresses the assignments are going to elicit stronger and stronger emotions. I am basing this particular prediction on the emotions that got dredged up while reading the material for this week’s assignment. I’m trying to stay in “analytical mode” as I read, but several of the topics hit very close to home with me. In the first chapter, “Self-Esteem and How It Develops” the exercise of listing advantages and disadvantages took me back instantly to the years between my undergraduate degree and starting my graduate student journey. I hit rock bottom during the two years I worked for my last job and could have written a lengthy list on the pros and cons of self-dislike. Dislike is actually a mild word for what I felt. In truth, I hated myself and nearly every aspect of my life. It was no fun, it was painful, and it did lead to psychosomatic symptoms and eventually to therapeutic use of anti-depressants (which I’ve stayed on to help combat my considerable seasonal affective disorder). I have been slowly but surely digging myself out of that hole, and today I am much healthier both mentally and physically. I ended this chapter feeling kind of crappy and not worth much, so it was rather karmic that the next chapter dealt with unconditional human worth.

I believe in unconditional human worth. I just don’t believe that I’m worthy of unconditional human worth. In my capacity as an educator, I have often spoken of unconditional human worth, especially using the second axiom of “Howard’s Laws.” And yet, when it comes to personal reflection, I constantly feel like I don’t measure up, I’m not as good as others, and I’m not worth the time or attention of others. On an intellectual level I know that this is wrong, and that I’m worth just as much as anyone else. However, I have difficulty making that connection on an emotional level. As a result, I ride the emotional rollercoaster described on page 33 of the chapter.

As I read the list of external values given on page 31, I highlighted the ones that I use to define my worth. There is quite a bit of purple highlighter on that particular page. Some of the key external values that I currently use to judge my worth include intelligence, education, scholastic achievement, creative ability, performances, and how others treat me (this is the short list). I have always felt that I needed to achieve great things in the world of education to earn the love and respect of my extended family on my father’s side. Right now my grandparents are loaning money to me to help with tuition and living expenses, and I feel like I have to earn high marks in order to be worthy of this. It doesn’t matter that it is a loan and not a gift, and that I will be paying it all back with interest. If I make so much as one B, I won’t feel like I’m a good enough student for them to be investing in.

In our SchoolGirls reading for this week, one of the topics covered included the mental image and internalization by young girls of a “perfect girl/woman” against whom they compare their every thought and action and always come up lacking. I have my own personal “perfect woman,” but after reading the assignment I began to realize that all of the “perfect” characteristics that I used to measure myself against this “perfect woman” were external. She is well dressed, well educated, well organized, and is always being productive. All of these things are addressed in the assignment, and I understand better now why I need to abandon the idea of a “perfect woman” and accept myself and my own worth. If business at my website is lagging (which it always is) it’s not a reflection of me, my abilities, or my worth. If I need to take a day off and just relax, it doesn’t affect my worth. And should I earn a B in any of my classes as I progress through graduate school, I am still a wonderful, worthy person. I need to remember that my family and true friends will not think less of me because of some external factor, because they truly see my worth, and they value it as unconditional.

Phase One

During most of my spring break, I've been feeling overwhelmed, over stressed, and over extended. Not my usual recipe for a week of relaxation.

Yesterday afternoon I decided that enough is enough. It's time to focus on living my life in the balance that is right for me. So today I started Phase One.

Phase One involves giving my apartment a fresh, organized feel. I don't have a whole lot of space to accomplish this, but I can still get things changed up. So far today I've managed to:

Move all of the books off of my small bookshelf in my apartment and onto my large bookshelf in the house. Anyone looking at that bookshelf this morning would have thought it was too full to put more stuff on, but they'd have been wrong.

Empty and move one of the many yarn containing baskets from the floor of my apartment. I still have the basket, it's much too nice to get rid of. I just didn't need it sitting around on my floor taking up space. So I put all of the yarn and to-be-deconstructed sweaters from the basket into the zippered bag that's on top of the large bookcase in the house that already had some yarn and sweaters in it. I then put Craig's empty hangers in the basket, and put the basket where the hangers had been.

Hang my invisible book holder in my apartment. I picked this neat thing up at the Container Store, and I have 7 of my most favorite books on it. It attaches to the wall, and the books lay horizontal on it, and you can't see any part of the bracket. Basically, it makes your favorite books into wall art.

Consolidated my jewelry into two small jewelry boxes. I've had three jewelry boxes for at least 10 years now, but I really didn't have enough jewelry to fill three jewelry boxes. I condensed, threw out the junk (it's everywhere!!!) and now I have much nicer, neater storage.

Measured, leveled, and marked for my new little floating "Trophy Shelf" that I picked up at Home Depot. It's going above my dresser, and will hold my jewelry. Imagine, not having to cross the room to pick out a pair of earrings when I'm getting my clothes together. It's amazing. Unfortunately, this is where I've hit a minor road block in Phase One. I need a drill to set in the drywall bolts, and I don't have a drill. Chris does, so I'll just have to wait till he gets home from work this afternoon to borrow it. I also have two floating corner shelves that I will need the drill for, so I'll get those all measured, leveled and marked so that installation is quick.

I've now finished lunch, and I'm going to run (well, probably walk) over to BB&B to pick up a decorative plate hanger. I've been meaning to get one for about 2 years now, and I really want to hang my nice plate that Mom got me several years ago. I may also stop at one of the local thrift stores to look around.

Taking control feels really good.

Feeling Good

Last night, accompanied by 2 of my male roomates (I acutally live in a separate sturcture behind the house, but roomate is the best word I have for theses people) I started conquring my fear of being seen. Specifically, my fear of being seen in a bathing suit.

After dinner, the three of us decided that a soak in a hot tub sounded like a wonderful idea. I remembered that it was free week at the campus recreation center (one of the roomates isn't a student) so we decided to head down. This was a trepedatious moment for me, because while shaving my legs in preperation (I don't shave above the knee often during the winter) I also shaved my bikini line so that I wouldn't have to wear shorts.

To clarify why this is a "big thing" for me, I haven't worn a swimsuit without some sort of shorts since I hit puberty. I've either worn shorts over a one piece, shorts over a two piece, a two peice with boy shorts, or shorts over my boy shorts. In college when going out in the field I wore a one piece, shorts, and jeans so that when I came out of the water, I could strip down to the shorts. This urge to cover up is two-fold. On the one hand, I'm not so good with a razor and usually decide to forego bikini shaving. I also have thighs that are of a size that I prefer not to share, complete with some dimpling. I, in fact, look like the naked women painted in the 1500s.

So I shaved all the way up, and put on my only swimsuit. This happens to be a one piece, black racer back suit, because when I swim, I don't mean I lounge around in a chair to be looked at. I get in the water, put goggles on my face, and swim laps. I packed my goggles, flip flops, and I threw my shorts in the bag just in case.

When I got to the gym, though, I decided I didn't want to wear shorts. I'm not ashamed of myself, or at least I'm trying to not be ashamed of myself. Suddenly, wearing the shorts seemed like admitting to the world that I had a shameful part of my body that needed covering.

I slipped on my filp flops, grabbed my goggles and towel, and walked out into the pool area. I ended up swimming 4 full laps, doing a full lap of kicking, was in and out of the hot tup 3 times, and had a wonderful time. Yes, I was still self-concious, but I didn't give in to it. In the future, I know it will now be easier to go to the pool by myself to swim, without shorts.

New Year

In Western, United States culture, it is traditionto make New Years Resolutions on the first of each year. For most of my life I rebelled and made no resolutions. In the years after I graduated college, however, I have started to make a few resolutions each year. I've found that considering resolutions for the coming year is an excellent way for me to look back over the previous year with a more objective eye than when events were current and consider the direction I'd like to take my life. This year, in addition to making resolutions, I've also decided to share the rational behind each resolution that I've made. By putting the rational in print, I think I will be able to have reasonable, achievable goals for this year.

Resolution 1: Improve my eating habits.

I'm not implying with this resolution that my current diet is "wrong" or "broken." I currently eat lean meats, limit beef consumption, eat small portions, vary my food, and eat slowly. Where I need improvement is in the quantity and quality of the fruits and vegetables I eat. I also tend to struggle with eating a nutritious and satisfying lunch.
I started working on this particular resolution during this past December, so I will be simply reinforcing the new behaviors I'm aquiring.

Resolution 2: Swim.

When I started graduate school this past fall, I decided to start swimming at the campus gym pool. I pay for they gym in my student fees, so I might as well use the facilities. However, I never once made it in to the building, much less the pool. The main thing that kept me out of the pool was a fear of being seen in a swimsuit.
This year, I'm going to conquer that fear, because there is no reason for it. I can't stop crass, shallow minded people from making disparaging comments if they want to, but I don't need to let these "people" influence my behavior or self-esteem.
I enjoy swimming. This alone is enough of a reason to start, but it's also beneficial for my cardiovascular health and will improve my muscle tone. So this year, I will take advantage of the facilities and swim.

Resolution 3: Stay within my budget.

Being a graduate student and practically unemployed (6 hours a week doesn't do much), I have limited financial resources. I have lived on a limited budget for a couple of years now, and I'm fairly good at it. I have a fairly solid cash system, and I'm on the brink of budgeting forward completely. I live happliy without many of the luxuries that many (U.S.) Americans consider essential, such as cable TV, eating out, and manicures. But even with all of this, I still manage to spend a couple hundred dollars more than I can really afford each month. This year, I'm going to work hard at coming in at budget each month. My first strategy is to stop carrying my credit cards.

Resolution 4: Learn to knit backwards.

I love learning new knitting techniquest (also sewing, photography, and jewelry techniques). Normally, knitting flat pieces consits of working stitches down a row, moving them from one needle to another. At the end of the row, the work is turned around so the receiving needle is now the donating needle. I knit the most common way, with my stitches moving from the left needle to the right needle. Knitting backwards is a technique where, when reaching the end of a row, instead of turning the work, the knitting is worked from the right needle to the left, or "backwards." I'm planning to use this new technique when I learn to knit entrelac.
I'm sure I will make many other hobby related advances this year, but this is the only specific one I've considered. The rest will happen as the will.