Feeling Good

Last night, accompanied by 2 of my male roomates (I acutally live in a separate sturcture behind the house, but roomate is the best word I have for theses people) I started conquring my fear of being seen. Specifically, my fear of being seen in a bathing suit.

After dinner, the three of us decided that a soak in a hot tub sounded like a wonderful idea. I remembered that it was free week at the campus recreation center (one of the roomates isn't a student) so we decided to head down. This was a trepedatious moment for me, because while shaving my legs in preperation (I don't shave above the knee often during the winter) I also shaved my bikini line so that I wouldn't have to wear shorts.

To clarify why this is a "big thing" for me, I haven't worn a swimsuit without some sort of shorts since I hit puberty. I've either worn shorts over a one piece, shorts over a two piece, a two peice with boy shorts, or shorts over my boy shorts. In college when going out in the field I wore a one piece, shorts, and jeans so that when I came out of the water, I could strip down to the shorts. This urge to cover up is two-fold. On the one hand, I'm not so good with a razor and usually decide to forego bikini shaving. I also have thighs that are of a size that I prefer not to share, complete with some dimpling. I, in fact, look like the naked women painted in the 1500s.

So I shaved all the way up, and put on my only swimsuit. This happens to be a one piece, black racer back suit, because when I swim, I don't mean I lounge around in a chair to be looked at. I get in the water, put goggles on my face, and swim laps. I packed my goggles, flip flops, and I threw my shorts in the bag just in case.

When I got to the gym, though, I decided I didn't want to wear shorts. I'm not ashamed of myself, or at least I'm trying to not be ashamed of myself. Suddenly, wearing the shorts seemed like admitting to the world that I had a shameful part of my body that needed covering.

I slipped on my filp flops, grabbed my goggles and towel, and walked out into the pool area. I ended up swimming 4 full laps, doing a full lap of kicking, was in and out of the hot tup 3 times, and had a wonderful time. Yes, I was still self-concious, but I didn't give in to it. In the future, I know it will now be easier to go to the pool by myself to swim, without shorts.