The Larger Issue

Negative body talk is something that I have been working on privately for about a year now. I am slowly learning to view my body through “different eyes” where I do not have disproportionately large hips and thighs, but where I am a healthy human being. This assignment was the first concrete exercise I’ve done in this area, but many of the concepts (if not the names) were already familiar to me. I suffer most from “unfair-to-compare” against an internalized “perfect woman” (as I discussed in a previous assignment), magnifying glass distortion, beauty bound distortion, and moody mirror distortion as described in this exercise. In writing out the individual helpsheets I recognized both the progress I have made and the road I have left to travel.

I couple of years ago I read an interesting article in Cosmopolitan magazine. It said that in our current society women are encouraged to be negative about their own body image by other women. In a social group of women, one woman will say something negative about her appearance, and the rest of the women are under a social obligation to say something negative about themselves in return. Someone making a positive statement about their appearance is ostracized from the group, further encouraging the negative statements as almost a “right of passage.” One of the clearest examples I can think of to demonstrate this is a scene in the movie Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan’s character is first introduced to this concept. Her inner voice says that she had previously always thought there was nothing wrong with the way she looked, but she gave into the peer pressure of the “plastics” (the popular “perfect” girls) to make negative statements about herself. I remember in high school being surrounded by girls vocalizing negative statements about their appearance. In this type of social atmosphere it is no wonder that women and girls today have such distorted personal body images.

I think there are two big things that can be done to discourage this type of negative body talk among others (and indeed, for ourselves). The first and most important step to take is to not encourage such type of talk. This can be done most effectively by not participating in “pity parties” such as the type I described in the above chapter. If someone makes a negative body comment in such a situation, counter with both a positive statement about that person and about yourself. When people hear positive comments on a regular basis, it is more difficult to allow the negative to have hold of our thoughts and feelings.


The second thing that can be done is not dismiss the negative comments out of hand. If a friend or family member routinely makes negative comments about their own bodies, it may be a cry for help. The thought changes discussed in this exercise are difficult to follow through with, so help received from an outside source can be invaluable. Start by picking a relaxing setting and begin perhaps with the observation “I notice that you often make negative comments about your appearance. Is there something deeper that you might need to talk about?” Sticking up for the unconditional worth of others in addition to yourself can be a powerful force that gives them the help and support they need to effect positive changes in their internal perceptions of their appearance.

New Layout

I decided to play around with the layout a little bit. The other one seemed so plain and somber.

I will have something new to post by the end of the day. It's another school assignment that is almost finished.

I Have Worth

I wrote this as part of a class assignment.

I have a feeling that as this term progresses the assignments are going to elicit stronger and stronger emotions. I am basing this particular prediction on the emotions that got dredged up while reading the material for this week’s assignment. I’m trying to stay in “analytical mode” as I read, but several of the topics hit very close to home with me. In the first chapter, “Self-Esteem and How It Develops” the exercise of listing advantages and disadvantages took me back instantly to the years between my undergraduate degree and starting my graduate student journey. I hit rock bottom during the two years I worked for my last job and could have written a lengthy list on the pros and cons of self-dislike. Dislike is actually a mild word for what I felt. In truth, I hated myself and nearly every aspect of my life. It was no fun, it was painful, and it did lead to psychosomatic symptoms and eventually to therapeutic use of anti-depressants (which I’ve stayed on to help combat my considerable seasonal affective disorder). I have been slowly but surely digging myself out of that hole, and today I am much healthier both mentally and physically. I ended this chapter feeling kind of crappy and not worth much, so it was rather karmic that the next chapter dealt with unconditional human worth.

I believe in unconditional human worth. I just don’t believe that I’m worthy of unconditional human worth. In my capacity as an educator, I have often spoken of unconditional human worth, especially using the second axiom of “Howard’s Laws.” And yet, when it comes to personal reflection, I constantly feel like I don’t measure up, I’m not as good as others, and I’m not worth the time or attention of others. On an intellectual level I know that this is wrong, and that I’m worth just as much as anyone else. However, I have difficulty making that connection on an emotional level. As a result, I ride the emotional rollercoaster described on page 33 of the chapter.

As I read the list of external values given on page 31, I highlighted the ones that I use to define my worth. There is quite a bit of purple highlighter on that particular page. Some of the key external values that I currently use to judge my worth include intelligence, education, scholastic achievement, creative ability, performances, and how others treat me (this is the short list). I have always felt that I needed to achieve great things in the world of education to earn the love and respect of my extended family on my father’s side. Right now my grandparents are loaning money to me to help with tuition and living expenses, and I feel like I have to earn high marks in order to be worthy of this. It doesn’t matter that it is a loan and not a gift, and that I will be paying it all back with interest. If I make so much as one B, I won’t feel like I’m a good enough student for them to be investing in.

In our SchoolGirls reading for this week, one of the topics covered included the mental image and internalization by young girls of a “perfect girl/woman” against whom they compare their every thought and action and always come up lacking. I have my own personal “perfect woman,” but after reading the assignment I began to realize that all of the “perfect” characteristics that I used to measure myself against this “perfect woman” were external. She is well dressed, well educated, well organized, and is always being productive. All of these things are addressed in the assignment, and I understand better now why I need to abandon the idea of a “perfect woman” and accept myself and my own worth. If business at my website is lagging (which it always is) it’s not a reflection of me, my abilities, or my worth. If I need to take a day off and just relax, it doesn’t affect my worth. And should I earn a B in any of my classes as I progress through graduate school, I am still a wonderful, worthy person. I need to remember that my family and true friends will not think less of me because of some external factor, because they truly see my worth, and they value it as unconditional.