I have one overarching goal for the month of June.
STAY ON BUDGET!!!!
Admittedly I didn't do too badly for the month of May, but I'd rather not end up with less than ten dollars in my account at the end of June. It's not conducive to low stress to have to worry about the ability to buy the basic necessities of groceries for the last week of the month. Not to mention any potential emergencies that may crop up.
Methods for staying on budget:
Eat at home.
Don't carry the debit card.
Carry snacks from home.
Don't carry the credit card.
Have meals readily available for day's I'm too tired to cook.
Satisfy cabin fever with a nice walk or bike ride.
Hide the debit card.
Sew.
Knit.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The Larger Issue
Negative body talk is something that I have been working on privately for about a year now. I am slowly learning to view my body through “different eyes” where I do not have disproportionately large hips and thighs, but where I am a healthy human being. This assignment was the first concrete exercise I’ve done in this area, but many of the concepts (if not the names) were already familiar to me. I suffer most from “unfair-to-compare” against an internalized “perfect woman” (as I discussed in a previous assignment), magnifying glass distortion, beauty bound distortion, and moody mirror distortion as described in this exercise. In writing out the individual helpsheets I recognized both the progress I have made and the road I have left to travel.
I couple of years ago I read an interesting article in Cosmopolitan magazine. It said that in our current society women are encouraged to be negative about their own body image by other women. In a social group of women, one woman will say something negative about her appearance, and the rest of the women are under a social obligation to say something negative about themselves in return. Someone making a positive statement about their appearance is ostracized from the group, further encouraging the negative statements as almost a “right of passage.” One of the clearest examples I can think of to demonstrate this is a scene in the movie Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan’s character is first introduced to this concept. Her inner voice says that she had previously always thought there was nothing wrong with the way she looked, but she gave into the peer pressure of the “plastics” (the popular “perfect” girls) to make negative statements about herself. I remember in high school being surrounded by girls vocalizing negative statements about their appearance. In this type of social atmosphere it is no wonder that women and girls today have such distorted personal body images.
I think there are two big things that can be done to discourage this type of negative body talk among others (and indeed, for ourselves). The first and most important step to take is to not encourage such type of talk. This can be done most effectively by not participating in “pity parties” such as the type I described in the above chapter. If someone makes a negative body comment in such a situation, counter with both a positive statement about that person and about yourself. When people hear positive comments on a regular basis, it is more difficult to allow the negative to have hold of our thoughts and feelings.
The second thing that can be done is not dismiss the negative comments out of hand. If a friend or family member routinely makes negative comments about their own bodies, it may be a cry for help. The thought changes discussed in this exercise are difficult to follow through with, so help received from an outside source can be invaluable. Start by picking a relaxing setting and begin perhaps with the observation “I notice that you often make negative comments about your appearance. Is there something deeper that you might need to talk about?” Sticking up for the unconditional worth of others in addition to yourself can be a powerful force that gives them the help and support they need to effect positive changes in their internal perceptions of their appearance.
I couple of years ago I read an interesting article in Cosmopolitan magazine. It said that in our current society women are encouraged to be negative about their own body image by other women. In a social group of women, one woman will say something negative about her appearance, and the rest of the women are under a social obligation to say something negative about themselves in return. Someone making a positive statement about their appearance is ostracized from the group, further encouraging the negative statements as almost a “right of passage.” One of the clearest examples I can think of to demonstrate this is a scene in the movie Mean Girls where Lindsay Lohan’s character is first introduced to this concept. Her inner voice says that she had previously always thought there was nothing wrong with the way she looked, but she gave into the peer pressure of the “plastics” (the popular “perfect” girls) to make negative statements about herself. I remember in high school being surrounded by girls vocalizing negative statements about their appearance. In this type of social atmosphere it is no wonder that women and girls today have such distorted personal body images.
I think there are two big things that can be done to discourage this type of negative body talk among others (and indeed, for ourselves). The first and most important step to take is to not encourage such type of talk. This can be done most effectively by not participating in “pity parties” such as the type I described in the above chapter. If someone makes a negative body comment in such a situation, counter with both a positive statement about that person and about yourself. When people hear positive comments on a regular basis, it is more difficult to allow the negative to have hold of our thoughts and feelings.
The second thing that can be done is not dismiss the negative comments out of hand. If a friend or family member routinely makes negative comments about their own bodies, it may be a cry for help. The thought changes discussed in this exercise are difficult to follow through with, so help received from an outside source can be invaluable. Start by picking a relaxing setting and begin perhaps with the observation “I notice that you often make negative comments about your appearance. Is there something deeper that you might need to talk about?” Sticking up for the unconditional worth of others in addition to yourself can be a powerful force that gives them the help and support they need to effect positive changes in their internal perceptions of their appearance.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
New Layout
I decided to play around with the layout a little bit. The other one seemed so plain and somber.
I will have something new to post by the end of the day. It's another school assignment that is almost finished.
I will have something new to post by the end of the day. It's another school assignment that is almost finished.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I Have Worth
I wrote this as part of a class assignment.
I have a feeling that as this term progresses the assignments are going to elicit stronger and stronger emotions. I am basing this particular prediction on the emotions that got dredged up while reading the material for this week’s assignment. I’m trying to stay in “analytical mode” as I read, but several of the topics hit very close to home with me. In the first chapter, “Self-Esteem and How It Develops” the exercise of listing advantages and disadvantages took me back instantly to the years between my undergraduate degree and starting my graduate student journey. I hit rock bottom during the two years I worked for my last job and could have written a lengthy list on the pros and cons of self-dislike. Dislike is actually a mild word for what I felt. In truth, I hated myself and nearly every aspect of my life. It was no fun, it was painful, and it did lead to psychosomatic symptoms and eventually to therapeutic use of anti-depressants (which I’ve stayed on to help combat my considerable seasonal affective disorder). I have been slowly but surely digging myself out of that hole, and today I am much healthier both mentally and physically. I ended this chapter feeling kind of crappy and not worth much, so it was rather karmic that the next chapter dealt with unconditional human worth.
I believe in unconditional human worth. I just don’t believe that I’m worthy of unconditional human worth. In my capacity as an educator, I have often spoken of unconditional human worth, especially using the second axiom of “Howard’s Laws.” And yet, when it comes to personal reflection, I constantly feel like I don’t measure up, I’m not as good as others, and I’m not worth the time or attention of others. On an intellectual level I know that this is wrong, and that I’m worth just as much as anyone else. However, I have difficulty making that connection on an emotional level. As a result, I ride the emotional rollercoaster described on page 33 of the chapter.
As I read the list of external values given on page 31, I highlighted the ones that I use to define my worth. There is quite a bit of purple highlighter on that particular page. Some of the key external values that I currently use to judge my worth include intelligence, education, scholastic achievement, creative ability, performances, and how others treat me (this is the short list). I have always felt that I needed to achieve great things in the world of education to earn the love and respect of my extended family on my father’s side. Right now my grandparents are loaning money to me to help with tuition and living expenses, and I feel like I have to earn high marks in order to be worthy of this. It doesn’t matter that it is a loan and not a gift, and that I will be paying it all back with interest. If I make so much as one B, I won’t feel like I’m a good enough student for them to be investing in.
In our SchoolGirls reading for this week, one of the topics covered included the mental image and internalization by young girls of a “perfect girl/woman” against whom they compare their every thought and action and always come up lacking. I have my own personal “perfect woman,” but after reading the assignment I began to realize that all of the “perfect” characteristics that I used to measure myself against this “perfect woman” were external. She is well dressed, well educated, well organized, and is always being productive. All of these things are addressed in the assignment, and I understand better now why I need to abandon the idea of a “perfect woman” and accept myself and my own worth. If business at my website is lagging (which it always is) it’s not a reflection of me, my abilities, or my worth. If I need to take a day off and just relax, it doesn’t affect my worth. And should I earn a B in any of my classes as I progress through graduate school, I am still a wonderful, worthy person. I need to remember that my family and true friends will not think less of me because of some external factor, because they truly see my worth, and they value it as unconditional.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Phase One
During most of my spring break, I've been feeling overwhelmed, over stressed, and over extended. Not my usual recipe for a week of relaxation.
Yesterday afternoon I decided that enough is enough. It's time to focus on living my life in the balance that is right for me. So today I started Phase One.
Phase One involves giving my apartment a fresh, organized feel. I don't have a whole lot of space to accomplish this, but I can still get things changed up. So far today I've managed to:
Move all of the books off of my small bookshelf in my apartment and onto my large bookshelf in the house. Anyone looking at that bookshelf this morning would have thought it was too full to put more stuff on, but they'd have been wrong.
Empty and move one of the many yarn containing baskets from the floor of my apartment. I still have the basket, it's much too nice to get rid of. I just didn't need it sitting around on my floor taking up space. So I put all of the yarn and to-be-deconstructed sweaters from the basket into the zippered bag that's on top of the large bookcase in the house that already had some yarn and sweaters in it. I then put Craig's empty hangers in the basket, and put the basket where the hangers had been.
Hang my invisible book holder in my apartment. I picked this neat thing up at the Container Store, and I have 7 of my most favorite books on it. It attaches to the wall, and the books lay horizontal on it, and you can't see any part of the bracket. Basically, it makes your favorite books into wall art.
Consolidated my jewelry into two small jewelry boxes. I've had three jewelry boxes for at least 10 years now, but I really didn't have enough jewelry to fill three jewelry boxes. I condensed, threw out the junk (it's everywhere!!!) and now I have much nicer, neater storage.
Measured, leveled, and marked for my new little floating "Trophy Shelf" that I picked up at Home Depot. It's going above my dresser, and will hold my jewelry. Imagine, not having to cross the room to pick out a pair of earrings when I'm getting my clothes together. It's amazing. Unfortunately, this is where I've hit a minor road block in Phase One. I need a drill to set in the drywall bolts, and I don't have a drill. Chris does, so I'll just have to wait till he gets home from work this afternoon to borrow it. I also have two floating corner shelves that I will need the drill for, so I'll get those all measured, leveled and marked so that installation is quick.
I've now finished lunch, and I'm going to run (well, probably walk) over to BB&B to pick up a decorative plate hanger. I've been meaning to get one for about 2 years now, and I really want to hang my nice plate that Mom got me several years ago. I may also stop at one of the local thrift stores to look around.
Taking control feels really good.
Yesterday afternoon I decided that enough is enough. It's time to focus on living my life in the balance that is right for me. So today I started Phase One.
Phase One involves giving my apartment a fresh, organized feel. I don't have a whole lot of space to accomplish this, but I can still get things changed up. So far today I've managed to:
Move all of the books off of my small bookshelf in my apartment and onto my large bookshelf in the house. Anyone looking at that bookshelf this morning would have thought it was too full to put more stuff on, but they'd have been wrong.
Empty and move one of the many yarn containing baskets from the floor of my apartment. I still have the basket, it's much too nice to get rid of. I just didn't need it sitting around on my floor taking up space. So I put all of the yarn and to-be-deconstructed sweaters from the basket into the zippered bag that's on top of the large bookcase in the house that already had some yarn and sweaters in it. I then put Craig's empty hangers in the basket, and put the basket where the hangers had been.
Hang my invisible book holder in my apartment. I picked this neat thing up at the Container Store, and I have 7 of my most favorite books on it. It attaches to the wall, and the books lay horizontal on it, and you can't see any part of the bracket. Basically, it makes your favorite books into wall art.
Consolidated my jewelry into two small jewelry boxes. I've had three jewelry boxes for at least 10 years now, but I really didn't have enough jewelry to fill three jewelry boxes. I condensed, threw out the junk (it's everywhere!!!) and now I have much nicer, neater storage.
Measured, leveled, and marked for my new little floating "Trophy Shelf" that I picked up at Home Depot. It's going above my dresser, and will hold my jewelry. Imagine, not having to cross the room to pick out a pair of earrings when I'm getting my clothes together. It's amazing. Unfortunately, this is where I've hit a minor road block in Phase One. I need a drill to set in the drywall bolts, and I don't have a drill. Chris does, so I'll just have to wait till he gets home from work this afternoon to borrow it. I also have two floating corner shelves that I will need the drill for, so I'll get those all measured, leveled and marked so that installation is quick.
I've now finished lunch, and I'm going to run (well, probably walk) over to BB&B to pick up a decorative plate hanger. I've been meaning to get one for about 2 years now, and I really want to hang my nice plate that Mom got me several years ago. I may also stop at one of the local thrift stores to look around.
Taking control feels really good.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Made It through
I've made it through my second term as a graduate student. Unfortunately, I didn't manage it quite as gracefully as I'd hoped I would. I have a feeling that I was a little bit of a whine burden on several of my friends. For the most part, they were supportive and let me vent, but it couldn't have been much fun for them to hear me complain about something I chose to do.
Based on this experience, I have a couple of spring term resolutions.
I will begin on my projects at an early point in the term so that they can get done at a more leisurely, non-stressing pace.
I will not over stretch myself with extra-curricular activities. Mostly, this applies to not letting myself be bullied by one of my roommates, because I am a person and not his own personal source of entertainment. He chose to work four 10 hour days and have Friday off every week, and he's chosen not to have any hobbies that he can do where he lives. It is not my obligation to entertain him, especially when I want to be doing something else. He's a grown man, and can stop acting like a 10 year old spoiled kid.
I will go to more Aikido. On the surface, this may seem to contradict the above resolution, but it really doesn't Aikido is more than just something to do, or physical exercise. It's also a mental conditioner, and it helps me focus and relax so that I am more effective at other things in my life. Luckily, I don't have any more class schedule conflicts with evening Aikido practice, and with the sun setting later I'm more inclined to go to the later class on on Mondays.
Finally, I will remember the power of knitting. I am currently about half way through Socks Part Deux, and having a project helped me get through my final projects. When I get frustrated, I can escape to the rhythm of the stitches, it helps me relax and decompress at the end of the day before I try to sleep, and I feel a sense of accomplishment as the fabric flows off the needles as I go. During spring break I will be over-dyeing several balls of yarn in anticipation of knitting Amused, a sweater from the winter 2008 Knitty.com.
That's all I have for now. The end of term, papers are due NOW NOW NOW depression has lifted, and I think it's time to go cook dinner and have a nice cup of tea.
Based on this experience, I have a couple of spring term resolutions.
I will begin on my projects at an early point in the term so that they can get done at a more leisurely, non-stressing pace.
I will not over stretch myself with extra-curricular activities. Mostly, this applies to not letting myself be bullied by one of my roommates, because I am a person and not his own personal source of entertainment. He chose to work four 10 hour days and have Friday off every week, and he's chosen not to have any hobbies that he can do where he lives. It is not my obligation to entertain him, especially when I want to be doing something else. He's a grown man, and can stop acting like a 10 year old spoiled kid.
I will go to more Aikido. On the surface, this may seem to contradict the above resolution, but it really doesn't Aikido is more than just something to do, or physical exercise. It's also a mental conditioner, and it helps me focus and relax so that I am more effective at other things in my life. Luckily, I don't have any more class schedule conflicts with evening Aikido practice, and with the sun setting later I'm more inclined to go to the later class on on Mondays.
Finally, I will remember the power of knitting. I am currently about half way through Socks Part Deux, and having a project helped me get through my final projects. When I get frustrated, I can escape to the rhythm of the stitches, it helps me relax and decompress at the end of the day before I try to sleep, and I feel a sense of accomplishment as the fabric flows off the needles as I go. During spring break I will be over-dyeing several balls of yarn in anticipation of knitting Amused, a sweater from the winter 2008 Knitty.com.
That's all I have for now. The end of term, papers are due NOW NOW NOW depression has lifted, and I think it's time to go cook dinner and have a nice cup of tea.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Searching For Balance
As this school term is winding down, I feel I am less and less balanced, which is affecting my entire life. I swing like a pendulum between school work all the time to complete school work avoidance. I feel like I am spiraling out of control, and I have nothing to reach out and grab hold of to arrest my spin and fall.
Except that I do have things to reach out and grab hold of. One of the things I'm doing to bring balance back to my life is attending Aikido. Even when I feel like I'm going to be swallowed whole by a never ending string of assignments, I go to Aikido. This hour twice a week helps to ground me back in reality. It reaffirms that I can fall and get back up, and that there is more than one way to deal with an attack or problem. I also feel more energized after the intense mental and physical exercize, which allows me to takcle my assignments with new verve.
Another thing I am doing to return balance to my life is to read something non-school related before bed. I have switched to taking a shower at night, which helps to relax tense muscles in preparation for sleep. To relax my mind, I pick up a copy of National Geographic and read for at least half an hour in bed before turning off the light. This allows me to place distance between myself and my work. Since returning to this practice, I find I am sleeping more soundly and waking with less difficulty.
I am learning to say "no" to people who place demands on my time. When I have an assignment that needs to be finished, or when I just need time to myself to unwind, I do not allow myself to feel obligated to participate in group activities.
And finally, I am achieving balance again by having daily knitting time. Even if I only get a few rows done, I let myself get caught in the rhythm of the stitches, and of the movement of the needles. I am also knitting for myself again, instead of commissions. By doing this I don't feel the obligation to "get it done" and I can truly enjoy the process. This unwinding is akin to reading in bed, it gives me distance from the stressful parts of my life. I am currently working on a pair of socks using handpainted yarn and my own pattern design.
I am also realizing that balance is something that takes continual concentration and mindfulness. Now I'm off to class, where one of my idols is giving a guest lecture today.
Except that I do have things to reach out and grab hold of. One of the things I'm doing to bring balance back to my life is attending Aikido. Even when I feel like I'm going to be swallowed whole by a never ending string of assignments, I go to Aikido. This hour twice a week helps to ground me back in reality. It reaffirms that I can fall and get back up, and that there is more than one way to deal with an attack or problem. I also feel more energized after the intense mental and physical exercize, which allows me to takcle my assignments with new verve.
Another thing I am doing to return balance to my life is to read something non-school related before bed. I have switched to taking a shower at night, which helps to relax tense muscles in preparation for sleep. To relax my mind, I pick up a copy of National Geographic and read for at least half an hour in bed before turning off the light. This allows me to place distance between myself and my work. Since returning to this practice, I find I am sleeping more soundly and waking with less difficulty.
I am learning to say "no" to people who place demands on my time. When I have an assignment that needs to be finished, or when I just need time to myself to unwind, I do not allow myself to feel obligated to participate in group activities.
And finally, I am achieving balance again by having daily knitting time. Even if I only get a few rows done, I let myself get caught in the rhythm of the stitches, and of the movement of the needles. I am also knitting for myself again, instead of commissions. By doing this I don't feel the obligation to "get it done" and I can truly enjoy the process. This unwinding is akin to reading in bed, it gives me distance from the stressful parts of my life. I am currently working on a pair of socks using handpainted yarn and my own pattern design.
I am also realizing that balance is something that takes continual concentration and mindfulness. Now I'm off to class, where one of my idols is giving a guest lecture today.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Time Management
There are many things in my life that I excell at. I'm a prodigious reader, an accomplished knitter, and a devoted student.
I am not good at time management. Duirng parts of my life, this wasn't so much of an issue. Now that I'm in graduate school, I am constantly fighting with myself over time management.
I am continuosly trying to find balance between a number of activities, including:
homework
knitting
desinging
web management
aikido
housework
cooking
exercise
sleep
socializing
jewelry making
photography
photo editing
grocery shopping
Currently, I consider myself to be "on top" of things if I manage to, inside of a week, get all of my school reading and homework completed, attend one aikido class, get a couple hours of knitting in, and wake up feeling rested at least one day a week. I know I could fit more in, too, which is the frustrating part.
When I was an undergraduate, I made a weekly schedule detailing what homework and activites would be done on which days. This method worked well for me then, and I have managed to mimic it with homework deliniation in my current planner, but I had a lot less on my plate back then. For a short time while I was between schools, I had a weekly chore calendar and I mananged to stick with it for several months. Then after I lost Mia, I just stopped doing that.
The problem I'm having with useing these methods now is that I often have unexpected events crop up that confound the entire schedule. Also, there's often so much to do that I literally don't know where to start. As a result, I flail around and very little ends up being accomplished.
I know that time management is a skill that I will have to work on developing, and it is an important skill for me to have if I want to continued to be diverse in my interests and activities.
I am not good at time management. Duirng parts of my life, this wasn't so much of an issue. Now that I'm in graduate school, I am constantly fighting with myself over time management.
I am continuosly trying to find balance between a number of activities, including:
homework
knitting
desinging
web management
aikido
housework
cooking
exercise
sleep
socializing
jewelry making
photography
photo editing
grocery shopping
Currently, I consider myself to be "on top" of things if I manage to, inside of a week, get all of my school reading and homework completed, attend one aikido class, get a couple hours of knitting in, and wake up feeling rested at least one day a week. I know I could fit more in, too, which is the frustrating part.
When I was an undergraduate, I made a weekly schedule detailing what homework and activites would be done on which days. This method worked well for me then, and I have managed to mimic it with homework deliniation in my current planner, but I had a lot less on my plate back then. For a short time while I was between schools, I had a weekly chore calendar and I mananged to stick with it for several months. Then after I lost Mia, I just stopped doing that.
The problem I'm having with useing these methods now is that I often have unexpected events crop up that confound the entire schedule. Also, there's often so much to do that I literally don't know where to start. As a result, I flail around and very little ends up being accomplished.
I know that time management is a skill that I will have to work on developing, and it is an important skill for me to have if I want to continued to be diverse in my interests and activities.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Strengths
One of the classes I'm taking this term for my minor is "Women and Leadership." For this class we were required to take the StrengthsQuest evaluation, which is run by Gallup, to determine where our individual strengths lie. The idea behind this is to focus on building your strengths instead of focusing on weaknesses, which can often lead to less success or even failure. The evaluation consisted of a series of paired descriptors, and I had to choose which one best described me. After 35 minutes, I was done and assigned my top five strengths. They were, in order:
Intellection
Learner
Ideation
Empathy
Input
At first I was leary of descriptors consisting of made-up words (intellection?), but after reading the descriptions I feel that I was well categorized.
In short, what my five strengths say about me is that I am a constant thinker, I love to learn and come up with new ideas, I can empathize well with others, and I seek input to further my goals. It did not surprise me in the least that I did not have any of the strengths related to connecting well with other people. I've know almost my entire life that this is an area of weakness for me.
I have often been plauged by feelings of guilt over the amount of time I spend by myself just thinking. I usually feel like there are other things I "should" be doing, such as being out in the world and meeting people. But when I give up my thinking alone time I quickly become miserable and frustrated. Now I have a better idea of why that is, and why my alone time is so important to me. I'm not going to become a hermit, and I am going to continue working on overcoming my fear of meeting new people, but I won't feel guilty when I just want me time to think things over.
Intellection
Learner
Ideation
Empathy
Input
At first I was leary of descriptors consisting of made-up words (intellection?), but after reading the descriptions I feel that I was well categorized.
In short, what my five strengths say about me is that I am a constant thinker, I love to learn and come up with new ideas, I can empathize well with others, and I seek input to further my goals. It did not surprise me in the least that I did not have any of the strengths related to connecting well with other people. I've know almost my entire life that this is an area of weakness for me.
I have often been plauged by feelings of guilt over the amount of time I spend by myself just thinking. I usually feel like there are other things I "should" be doing, such as being out in the world and meeting people. But when I give up my thinking alone time I quickly become miserable and frustrated. Now I have a better idea of why that is, and why my alone time is so important to me. I'm not going to become a hermit, and I am going to continue working on overcoming my fear of meeting new people, but I won't feel guilty when I just want me time to think things over.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Feeling Good
Last night, accompanied by 2 of my male roomates (I acutally live in a separate sturcture behind the house, but roomate is the best word I have for theses people) I started conquring my fear of being seen. Specifically, my fear of being seen in a bathing suit.
After dinner, the three of us decided that a soak in a hot tub sounded like a wonderful idea. I remembered that it was free week at the campus recreation center (one of the roomates isn't a student) so we decided to head down. This was a trepedatious moment for me, because while shaving my legs in preperation (I don't shave above the knee often during the winter) I also shaved my bikini line so that I wouldn't have to wear shorts.
To clarify why this is a "big thing" for me, I haven't worn a swimsuit without some sort of shorts since I hit puberty. I've either worn shorts over a one piece, shorts over a two piece, a two peice with boy shorts, or shorts over my boy shorts. In college when going out in the field I wore a one piece, shorts, and jeans so that when I came out of the water, I could strip down to the shorts. This urge to cover up is two-fold. On the one hand, I'm not so good with a razor and usually decide to forego bikini shaving. I also have thighs that are of a size that I prefer not to share, complete with some dimpling. I, in fact, look like the naked women painted in the 1500s.
So I shaved all the way up, and put on my only swimsuit. This happens to be a one piece, black racer back suit, because when I swim, I don't mean I lounge around in a chair to be looked at. I get in the water, put goggles on my face, and swim laps. I packed my goggles, flip flops, and I threw my shorts in the bag just in case.
When I got to the gym, though, I decided I didn't want to wear shorts. I'm not ashamed of myself, or at least I'm trying to not be ashamed of myself. Suddenly, wearing the shorts seemed like admitting to the world that I had a shameful part of my body that needed covering.
I slipped on my filp flops, grabbed my goggles and towel, and walked out into the pool area. I ended up swimming 4 full laps, doing a full lap of kicking, was in and out of the hot tup 3 times, and had a wonderful time. Yes, I was still self-concious, but I didn't give in to it. In the future, I know it will now be easier to go to the pool by myself to swim, without shorts.
After dinner, the three of us decided that a soak in a hot tub sounded like a wonderful idea. I remembered that it was free week at the campus recreation center (one of the roomates isn't a student) so we decided to head down. This was a trepedatious moment for me, because while shaving my legs in preperation (I don't shave above the knee often during the winter) I also shaved my bikini line so that I wouldn't have to wear shorts.
To clarify why this is a "big thing" for me, I haven't worn a swimsuit without some sort of shorts since I hit puberty. I've either worn shorts over a one piece, shorts over a two piece, a two peice with boy shorts, or shorts over my boy shorts. In college when going out in the field I wore a one piece, shorts, and jeans so that when I came out of the water, I could strip down to the shorts. This urge to cover up is two-fold. On the one hand, I'm not so good with a razor and usually decide to forego bikini shaving. I also have thighs that are of a size that I prefer not to share, complete with some dimpling. I, in fact, look like the naked women painted in the 1500s.
So I shaved all the way up, and put on my only swimsuit. This happens to be a one piece, black racer back suit, because when I swim, I don't mean I lounge around in a chair to be looked at. I get in the water, put goggles on my face, and swim laps. I packed my goggles, flip flops, and I threw my shorts in the bag just in case.
When I got to the gym, though, I decided I didn't want to wear shorts. I'm not ashamed of myself, or at least I'm trying to not be ashamed of myself. Suddenly, wearing the shorts seemed like admitting to the world that I had a shameful part of my body that needed covering.
I slipped on my filp flops, grabbed my goggles and towel, and walked out into the pool area. I ended up swimming 4 full laps, doing a full lap of kicking, was in and out of the hot tup 3 times, and had a wonderful time. Yes, I was still self-concious, but I didn't give in to it. In the future, I know it will now be easier to go to the pool by myself to swim, without shorts.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
New Year
In Western, United States culture, it is traditionto make New Years Resolutions on the first of each year. For most of my life I rebelled and made no resolutions. In the years after I graduated college, however, I have started to make a few resolutions each year. I've found that considering resolutions for the coming year is an excellent way for me to look back over the previous year with a more objective eye than when events were current and consider the direction I'd like to take my life. This year, in addition to making resolutions, I've also decided to share the rational behind each resolution that I've made. By putting the rational in print, I think I will be able to have reasonable, achievable goals for this year.
Resolution 1: Improve my eating habits.
I'm not implying with this resolution that my current diet is "wrong" or "broken." I currently eat lean meats, limit beef consumption, eat small portions, vary my food, and eat slowly. Where I need improvement is in the quantity and quality of the fruits and vegetables I eat. I also tend to struggle with eating a nutritious and satisfying lunch.
I started working on this particular resolution during this past December, so I will be simply reinforcing the new behaviors I'm aquiring.
Resolution 2: Swim.
When I started graduate school this past fall, I decided to start swimming at the campus gym pool. I pay for they gym in my student fees, so I might as well use the facilities. However, I never once made it in to the building, much less the pool. The main thing that kept me out of the pool was a fear of being seen in a swimsuit.
This year, I'm going to conquer that fear, because there is no reason for it. I can't stop crass, shallow minded people from making disparaging comments if they want to, but I don't need to let these "people" influence my behavior or self-esteem.
I enjoy swimming. This alone is enough of a reason to start, but it's also beneficial for my cardiovascular health and will improve my muscle tone. So this year, I will take advantage of the facilities and swim.
Resolution 3: Stay within my budget.
Being a graduate student and practically unemployed (6 hours a week doesn't do much), I have limited financial resources. I have lived on a limited budget for a couple of years now, and I'm fairly good at it. I have a fairly solid cash system, and I'm on the brink of budgeting forward completely. I live happliy without many of the luxuries that many (U.S.) Americans consider essential, such as cable TV, eating out, and manicures. But even with all of this, I still manage to spend a couple hundred dollars more than I can really afford each month. This year, I'm going to work hard at coming in at budget each month. My first strategy is to stop carrying my credit cards.
Resolution 4: Learn to knit backwards.
I love learning new knitting techniquest (also sewing, photography, and jewelry techniques). Normally, knitting flat pieces consits of working stitches down a row, moving them from one needle to another. At the end of the row, the work is turned around so the receiving needle is now the donating needle. I knit the most common way, with my stitches moving from the left needle to the right needle. Knitting backwards is a technique where, when reaching the end of a row, instead of turning the work, the knitting is worked from the right needle to the left, or "backwards." I'm planning to use this new technique when I learn to knit entrelac.
I'm sure I will make many other hobby related advances this year, but this is the only specific one I've considered. The rest will happen as the will.
Resolution 1: Improve my eating habits.
I'm not implying with this resolution that my current diet is "wrong" or "broken." I currently eat lean meats, limit beef consumption, eat small portions, vary my food, and eat slowly. Where I need improvement is in the quantity and quality of the fruits and vegetables I eat. I also tend to struggle with eating a nutritious and satisfying lunch.
I started working on this particular resolution during this past December, so I will be simply reinforcing the new behaviors I'm aquiring.
Resolution 2: Swim.
When I started graduate school this past fall, I decided to start swimming at the campus gym pool. I pay for they gym in my student fees, so I might as well use the facilities. However, I never once made it in to the building, much less the pool. The main thing that kept me out of the pool was a fear of being seen in a swimsuit.
This year, I'm going to conquer that fear, because there is no reason for it. I can't stop crass, shallow minded people from making disparaging comments if they want to, but I don't need to let these "people" influence my behavior or self-esteem.
I enjoy swimming. This alone is enough of a reason to start, but it's also beneficial for my cardiovascular health and will improve my muscle tone. So this year, I will take advantage of the facilities and swim.
Resolution 3: Stay within my budget.
Being a graduate student and practically unemployed (6 hours a week doesn't do much), I have limited financial resources. I have lived on a limited budget for a couple of years now, and I'm fairly good at it. I have a fairly solid cash system, and I'm on the brink of budgeting forward completely. I live happliy without many of the luxuries that many (U.S.) Americans consider essential, such as cable TV, eating out, and manicures. But even with all of this, I still manage to spend a couple hundred dollars more than I can really afford each month. This year, I'm going to work hard at coming in at budget each month. My first strategy is to stop carrying my credit cards.
Resolution 4: Learn to knit backwards.
I love learning new knitting techniquest (also sewing, photography, and jewelry techniques). Normally, knitting flat pieces consits of working stitches down a row, moving them from one needle to another. At the end of the row, the work is turned around so the receiving needle is now the donating needle. I knit the most common way, with my stitches moving from the left needle to the right needle. Knitting backwards is a technique where, when reaching the end of a row, instead of turning the work, the knitting is worked from the right needle to the left, or "backwards." I'm planning to use this new technique when I learn to knit entrelac.
I'm sure I will make many other hobby related advances this year, but this is the only specific one I've considered. The rest will happen as the will.
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